please save me from my own insanity

Forestry work is not for sissy's

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:14:08 GMT

This weekend I went out of town and I did some forestry work for some friends.. Needless to say I feel like someone chewed on my leg muscles and spit them out. Bending over is not an option for me and sitting is somethign I have to think twice about :) But it was really fun. I always enjoy being out side and doing things that are not normal for me. Some years back I went to the same place and planted trees for three months.. never done anything so diffiult in my entire life, but after those three months, I was in the best shape I will evver be in. I could eat anyone under the table and I had the hardest stomach I've ever seen :) It was great... The I stopped and got all squishy around the middle... that's alright though I'm not a freak abotu the way I look if I gain alittole weight I jsut wait for about a week and it usually evens it's self out.

I bought a book that I hope will make a defference in the way I think and feel about people. MOst of the time I am a really bubbly happy people freindly person, but lately(since i started getting up at the buttcrack of dawn) I've noticed that i've become grumpy and not trusting even m ore then usual. It disturbs me to think that I may end up like my sister(who I love dearly). She is kind of neurotic. She is paranoid that she is dieing if somethign doesn't feel right in her body. I get that way too...like right now the tip of my nose has been tingling for about a month now... but it goes away if I take a moment and a couple of deep breaths.. I have deduced that it is because I am still recovering from my accident and my back is out of place and my ribs are tight causeing my breath to come shallow and not get enough oxygen to my blood......that happened to my sister about a month ago and she got worried which made her breathing even more sparatic and pretty soon her whole left (or right.... one of the sides of her body) was tingling. She went to the chiropractor and they adjusted her ribs and she felt way better. Her chiro told her "You need to just breathe jeez!" so that's my sister........ My mother is kind of the same way, but more docile. She used to call the highway patrol if I didn't come home on time. Don't know how many times I needed to call them and tell them I had been running two hours late and my mother is a worry wart..... but needless to say I don't want to end up like that.
I'm already dealing with paranoia that people are stocking me(due to crappy circumstances in my past) and I need to quit before I drive myself crazy. (hence the reference to the old movie about the guy who watches out his window. I told myself I wouldn't forget the name of that movie and now I have.)

SO anyway... it's boiled down to I'm a little cooky and I need to stop this before I just end up a crack pot :) doing it for all of mankinds good.

Still ahven't heard from my not boyfriend.. don't even know if he's still in town. but I guess tha's somethign I'll jsut have to wait on....... oh yeah and I bought him a necklace on ebay and it just came in the mail so now I'm quietly sporting it as a reminder to myself never to stop my life for anyone.... just live and if they want to join the life club I'm all for it. I do miss him though. I miss all my friends that I've had to step away from for one reason or another.

My best friend from my old town told me that he's most likely selling the ring he bought for me.(engagement) it's so sad. I guess I'm fine with him having a girlfriend.......it's his life and we just don't click that way anymore I dont' think but I always had that little comfort that he still has the ring....and he still knows it's there. I guess it's my fear that the minute he sells it he'll forget about me. I can't deal with that. My biggest fear is being forgotten. It makes my heart constrict. Makes the little panic bug start to jitter in my stomach and my palms sweat. ( I guess that's something this book should help me with too)

I dont' want to be here today. Sitting in this trainging room next to the woman who used to eat my tater tots and now won't even stand in the same area as me(makes me smile that she can't just come out and say she doesn't like me) and staring at the computer screen (with the glasses that i seemed to misplaced...making it difficult for me to see) ugh... it's going to be a long day. At least everyone is running late so I feel like i"m actually a good worker by being here early(only because i have to be because that's when the bus drops me off) even my trainer was late :)
Well Iguess I should get going. I hope people start to show back up.

see ya all..
have a good day

please answer

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:45:18 GMT

if you saw a girl with a tatoo that said I'm beautiful would you think her vain?

I HAVE A HOME

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 18:02:37 GMT

I got to see where my cube is today. it's really cool. Right by the window. I face the window too. makes me so happy. I was scared I was going to end up in the middle of a row in the mmiddle of the area, but no.. by the window end of the row.. only thing is that everyon is walking up behind me and I don't like that......

I just looked at the things I wrote and I had to go and change it all it looked like it was written by someone on drugs. I didn't finish sentances. OOps, guess I need to start paying attention to what I'm writing or I'll end up saying something relaly goofy.
well I should get going.. I have gold star recognition things to give out.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 13:31:38 GMT

I found out what the noise was. I came home andin my kitchen a glass had slipped off the drainer and broken all over the floor. So that mystery is solved.

I have made some startling discoveries about myself over the last week.
Like I will do anything, even degrade myself to the lowest point to keep someone in my life even if they aren't worth it. I love people. I want friends. I need people in my life. Once someone is a friend in my view and in my heart I will die for them..... even if they deserve to be hit by a bus. I take a lot of crap from people and I just noticed this. But if you give me an ultimatum I'll drop you like a fly. "It's either you or this." I'll decide you aren't worth my time... so I almost wish that this guy would just do that.. give me a choice to just forget about it. Tell me to give you space for you or you'll walk and then I'll say, walk you aren't worth my time.
I also take a lot more personally then I used to. I don't like that about myself. I really don't. I used to let everything roll off my back.. but you know I don't so much anymore. I don't really know why. I guess that's somethign I need to work on.

I can't believe the month is almost over. It just means winter will be upon me and I'll be having to wera layers to get to the bus every morning. that means up earlier for me. stink! I need a car or the bus needs to come to me.. walking in the monring isn't so bad, but I get a creepy feeling sometimes. I walk by an old church that has been modified to three apartments. It's got a big window in my front with a red light in it...... *shivers* I just get creeped out when I walk past. I used to ride the bus with the kid who lived there and she said things would move on their own. *crawls under the blankets* I don't deal with that stuff well. not cool. ucko

I suppose I should go. I think I'm going to cross stitch a little plaque that says cube sweet cube :) you know like home sweet home. :) only it's a little cube and soon it will be a mess like my work space is now... I don't understand how I can be so careful not to make a mess and I blink and it's like a hurricane came over my space. I swear some evil little computer fairy puts me under a spell and then goes nuts while I'm staring into spce droolnig on myself. :) over active imagination? yes! all the way. I love it. but it's bad if you're paranoid (like me)

My sister is really paranoid. Like she always thinks she's dieing. And you? I think I am alittle crooked too. I don't think I'm dieing I think I'm being followed all the time......... yup. When I was about 16 living with my parents I was a chatter.. I would love to chat in rooms and stay up all hours of the night online with people. Well I vented to this guy once about how my friends(who weren't really freinds...I haven't seen any of them in years) were stupid....... a week later I got a small manilla envelope in the mail. It had no return address, the mail relay room was about 3 hours away from me and my name and address was retraced over and over and over again.... Well it was my email printed up and taped together so lovingly, with a peive of paper with these words 'I don't think you'r 'friends' would like you talking this way." So I paniced... and from then on I have always looked over my shoulder, I have always scanned the streets for cars I've seen more then once. I had a string of calla for awhile when I first moved here that freaked me out so much I called a private investigator.... They wouldn't leave a message and when I called back it was always disconnected. I got that figured out thanks to Detective Peterson. It was a telemarketer who worked from home who had somehow gotten a list of cell phone numebrs........ I also had an ex boyfriend who turned stalker on me when I started dating someone else. I would sleep in my car at a public park because I would see his car in the shadow of the big tree on my street. So That is my crazy. I'm paranoid I'm being followed.

well I need to get ging to work now... it's 8 30 and we start at 8 :) hehhehehehehehehe

oh yeah I started a paper chain thingy with the wrappers of starbursts... I want to make it really super long! it'll be awesome.

see you all

dress up day at the zoo

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 13:09:06 GMT

that would be here at work. The company is having a visitor. Well I just found out 2. So we all have to run around in business clothes.... man, it's funny. I wish I had a camera. I just don't look right in business atire you know? I dont' have the aura for it. I radiate energetic-ness(idf that's a word... i guess it is now cuz I typed it) I jsut look like I belong in a coffee shop with purple hair and a nose ring. I guess tht'a not something I'm prowd of but I've always been kinda out there.

I woke up last night to the craziest noises. It could have been my dog dreaming but I don't know... it gives me the creeps.

I went to edit this and I'm not sure why.oh yeah> last ngiht my best friend from my old town called me. He's got a girlfirend now and I guess they are pretty serious. He's doing so well and I'm sitting here with the stupid problems I have and the depression. Me and him were engaged at one point in time (twice) but for some reason he didn't feel like it was right.... I think it's because if people would have examined our relationship it wasn't the cleanest ones... we drank and had fun a lot... we were roudy and unpredictable... but at the same time we sat at home and played online games a lot too. BUT anyway, I hate when he's been drinking by himself. he always calls me to remember the times we had when we were care free..... I've told him before, just shut up and marry me... but he said he can't. <- this was a long time ago. but he always appoligizes for everything. he asked me what he should do with the engagement ring... and ti was a tough subject. I love that ring, I picked it out myself. but it holds so many hopes that were crushed for me. I miss the way life used to be.. but I guess I'm glad I"m not with him anymore because he has a lot on his plate. I'll just be sad when he get's married......I know it'll happen..... okay.. update done, need to work now.

well I rn out of time

cont...

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 21:19:41 GMT

alright. hockey game. It was so much fun. I haven't been to one in about 2 years. It was somehitng me and my old ex used to do. Go to hockey games, get drunk, have fun screaming at the players, then go to the wing shop in the parking lot and eat till we puked..... it wasn't that fun this weekend because you can't drink in the arena, you ahve to go to a sports bar a little down the hall and you have to drink fast in between sets. so I did and I didn't get even buzzed. but it was still so much fun. lots of screaming and lots of people looking up at me(apparently if you aren't part of the cheering club you're not supposed to cheer) pah! that's what I say, I'm gonna yell and scream all I want cuz that's part of hockey.

sunday was pretty boring. nothign too exciting happened, went shopping with my mom and got some cheap movies.. they're pretty good. new tote bag(never thought I'd be the tote kind of person but I guess I am. It's grey and it has the cheers label from the show on it. it's so neat. and a shirt with little penguins on it. Almost as cool as my new shower mat and rug I got oh and towels... BIG SHEET TOWELS! yayayayayayayay I live them, and they aren't white. Ionly had 2 towels before and now I have 4 :)
yeah I know four towels........
OH yeah and my dog got a new collar and leash.. they match and are leather and studded.. he's all manly like.. or doggly like :)

I shouldn't be so chipper you know. I really shouldn't. I texted my not boyfriend for the first time since friday and I asked him if I was ever going ot see him again. Then I called him just to see. an hour later he texted me back and said 'yes you will see me again when I am ready. I'm sorry to put you through this but I need to focus on me right now.'
So this is the second guy in one month that bsaically told me I'm too much to handle, that i drive them so crazy that they need time away from me to be alright. Idon't like that. I was fighting off the most lonely feeling this morning. It's still there, but deep in my stomach where the love of caffiene can't kill me. I just feel so useless. I know it will get better.. and I know I'll either live happily ever after of he'll never come back.... and I'll be alright with that too. I guess I jsut feel hopeless right now. I look at my life and I realize I have so much to do but no life to force me to go out and do it.
I jsut want to write him a note about everythign I'm feeling.. last time he said he needed alone time he was out with another girl. So I have no clue.....

I get ot go home and sleep YES!!!!!!!!
see you all alter...

clickity clack

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 18:02:15 GMT

Hey all.. jsut about ot go to lunch and I am in a strange 1/2 mood. part of me is in a great mood, and the other part still hates everything that's happening in my life right now. But oh well.. I have a lunch box with my little ponies on it and that's cool.
You know what pisses me off? If someone doesn't like the fact that someone posts on a community off the subject... IGNORE the person. don't tell them over and over and over and over again.... I forgot how much I hated peopel liek that. I used to run around looking for people to yell at for stepping on my toes... and then you know what? I grew up. Yeah, I realized it's better to be the bigger person and ignore them.. or once you see someon make a comment you agree with, just let it be. Stupid peices of crap! ----okay there now tha ti got that out of my system.

I went to a hockey game this weekend. It was so much fun. My land lord just got out of the hospital and he was bored. He looked at his daughter (who's grounded) and then at me and he was like... "Do you want to go to the hockey game?" I love him.. he's like my uncle or something... I don't feel weird about doing anythign with him and his kids... I help him soometimes when he needs to do stuff, I'll watch a movie with the kids(who are pretty cool 13 and 15) or I used to watch his dog before he died. It's pretty much like we're all one big happy family. He gave my whiskey when I found out about that guy. On the rocks! it was so muahc fun..
to work... sorry.. I'll finsih later maybe.

I normally hate these things.. but what the hey

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 19:53:45 GMT

1. Real name and/or screen name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. Do you read my LJ:
7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and OR album:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you.
4. Post a picture of you (if you want......)

things I wanted to text him this weekeend but didn't.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 14:49:31 GMT

I appoligize if this is too long to read. or if it's on a taopic people are sick of reading about....

1. I hate you
2. I love you
3. Are you still seeing her?
4. Do you have time for me today?
5. Why are you being so stupid?
6. Do you talk this way to her?
7. Do you tell her you love her and want to be with only her?
8. Why don't you tell me where you are?
9. When you don't reply to me I know you're with her or doing somehting you feel guilty about
10. Fuck you
11. I'm done. You told me you were scared I'd walk but you didn't do anything to keep me from walking
12. I trusted you
13. I wish I could talk to you
14. please, don't leave me
15. I want you to come over
16. I really want yout o come over
17. Why did I wait up until 4 in the morngin for you?
18. You are not worth my time anymore
19. I wish I had the balls to hit you
20. You are a coward
21. I'm sorry
22. what happened? We were great and then you j ust stopped calling?
23. How long are you going to not talk to me?
24. How long am I going otlet myself be sad over you? You are not worth my time.
25. I still hate you
26. You stood me up from the beginning. I was so blind.
27. She will die before you....she's 10 years older.
28. I'm a fool for letting myself love you
29. I look like an ass because I fell for you and eveyone but me knew you were lousy
30. I'm pathetic, because if you came over right now and said I love you I'm sorry I'd stop being mad at you
31. This never would have happened if you would have just talked to me. Answered my questions and realized I'm willing to work through this.
32. I miss hanging out with you
33. Do I really need to worry if you're giong to call me?
34. Was I nothing but a game to you?
35. Do I look like a fool? oh wait, I do.
36. I am so angry at you right now and you are too much of a pansy to talk it out
37. BITE ME!
38. no really I mean it.... bite me
39. I want to be strong but you have stolen all my power
40. why am I crying over you? Why do I feel like I lost the most important thing in my life? Why do I feel like I should vcome over to your house and hold you? Why have I lost who I am since I met you?

I hate myself for what I've become. I don't do anything but prove to everyone what a liar and a fuck up I am. I'm so sorry I said those things last night, I was drunk. I hate myself. I wish I would get hit by a truck.
those words are what he texted me a week ago when he ran with the other lady when I showed up at the concert. And I haven't really spoken to him since then. A quick phone call and a small confrontation at 3 30 in the morning friday over text and that's about that.
Why don't I just go over there with a bat and force him to talk to me? because I'm sick of fighting a one sided battle. It would be different if he ever answered his phone or told me what his plans were, but he doesn't and that is why it's one sided. I hate the fact that I'm sad he doesn't call. I'm sad that I haven't seen him in almost a week.
I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm sad and lonely and I hate myself for letting my heart get involved so quickly. I'm strong for bursts of anger but then the rest of the time I'm feel like he has my heart sitting in his top drawer.
I don't normally let people get to me this much.... I don't kno wwhy he has... maybe it's because we've had a strgon connection( or so I thought) since we met the first time (I thought he was my best friend from my old town... which is weird because he looks just like him sitting at the bar) I don't know.. maybe it's because i"m living on my own and my ex took all my other friends away(because i"m being nice and giving him the space he needs. and it's cold and it's been rainy for the last month and I hate it.

I want to order chinese food for the soul reason of MAKING him talk to me............he's the only delivery driver for that place. I should do it. but then what would I say? Would I cry? I hate this....

I wish he would just call me and tell me he's moving on.. that I was nothign but something to do... that he never ment anything he told me. That he was a jerk and that he was sorry and then walk away and never come back into my life.

spotlight on my street.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 13:07:28 GMT

It's not often that crime is reported on my street. I live kind of off any main roads, right next to a little kids school/comunity center. Last night I was sitting my chair right next to my new patio doors (with no patio....on the second floor) and I see flashing lights. I look out the door and see a spotlight swinging back and forth. I look harder and see that it's a cop car. He's searching yards and zooming up and down my street. searchign for something.. that was new and exciting. I have a neighbor that's a drug dealer I guess. He goes to the neighbors house(college house) with a breif case and leaves 5 minutes later.
Lately I've been feeling like James Stewart in the movie Rear Window (I had to look it up to see who played the guy.) Sitting in my livingroom watching people go by. I jet from window to window watching the people and cars on my street. I refuse to go outside if I'm by myself because i feel like everyone else is watching me. It's rediculous.
oh! more to come on my 15.

cube world awaits

if you say you're giong to call and you don't...

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 19:47:58 GMT

I'm going to keep trying to touch base with you. it's only natural to worry if you don't touch base with people that told you would. makes me worry. so when he calls and leaves a frustrated message on my message machine it makes me feel bad for trying to get in touch.... but even if you can't call, text me and let me know it's too busy to talk, so I know you're acknowledging me.....
I'm not that needy, I just want to be informed. I don't think it's too much to ask that if you say 'call you in a bit' you catually call! and not 7 hours later when you know I won't get it till morning... then I dream bad things, thinking you're dead, or with someone else or something.. I odn't know..... ugh.. I dislike relationships, I really disklike them if they don't flow easylike..... which not many do.(of mine anyway)

gotta stop making my coffee so strong.

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 12:42:20 GMT

I dont' know why all the sudden my body can't take caffiene.. wonder if it's because Imake my coffee so strong you could keep an entire army away if you watered it down a little. I don't know.. but now I'm all jittery and my muscles are spazing.....
But anyway it's still raining, it stopped just long enough for me to watch my neighbors kids for about 15 minutes after work yesterday. It was fin. We stood around outside and swung out lightsabors around talking about the movie Transformers(they just saw it a couple of days ago and being the 8 and 9 year old boys that they are they ahd a lot to say) I love those two kids, they really are fun and not obnoxious. I feel bad for them though becaused this summer most of thyeir friends moved.... there was two houses right next to each other that had all their friends in it and they all moved it away.
Oh man, I'm going to vibrate right out of my chair... this sucks!!!! it's been a long time since I have had so much caffiene in my system.
Ah what was that? oh yeah, that was my heart jumping out of my chest and doing a little dance :)

well I should go and get some food in my stomach.

oh yeah, this is the 3rd day in the road that my not boyfriend told me he would 'call you in the a bit' and that was at 4 and he doesn't..... or he'll text me at 11 pm........ hmmmmmm we'll see how the next couple of weeks goes!

thre is only one thing worse then siting on a cold toilet seat....

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:11:16 GMT

it's sitting on a warm toilet seat! Knowing that someone has sat there long enough to turn a cold toilet seat warm...........*shivers* It gives me the heebee geebees.

It's still rainging and it's too windy to use an umbrella. So, poncho time for me. But.... it was still too windy even for that, and I found myself pulling a marilyn Monroe and having to keep my poncho from flying up and suffocating me. :)
The walk to the bus stop was not very easy. I came around the corner of a building and nearly kited away. I wish the sun would shine for even just a moment.

The lady who got hit by the car was fine. She went to the hospital and they checked her out and she was alright. They were worried because she hit her head on the concrete. I feel very good me and the bus driver were able to be there until the ambulance got there. If I would have known what was happening right away I would have gotten off the bus and let her use my umbrella. But I didn't know for about 4 minutes because it was dark and so rainy. But the bus driver today told me she was alright. So that makes me feel better.

My landlord went into the hospital with blood poisoning yesterday. Hegot strepcocous(spelling) from the hot tub at the YMCA about a year ago and it turned into a flesh eating bacteria that nearly took his shin off. And since he's recovered from that anytime he gets a cut he gets really sick.. I feel horrible for him. He's had a bad year and a half... he was sick for so long, then his dog got sick and was in the vet for 2 weeks, then he got better, then my landlord got sick again, then he got better, thenhis dog died, then his 15 year old daughter stole a car and hit a pole and now he's sick again.... and now I'm cold because he's sick and can't bleed my radiators...

*sigh* cube world is calling. tata

mmmmmmmmmMMMMMmmm cheesey tots!

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 13:01:13 GMT

I figured it out. If I put my plate on the right side of my computer, she doesn't ask for my cheesey potatos... and now they are all in my tummy! yummy yummy...

it's rainy and rainy. I hate it! If I had the money I would go to the tanning booth. no sun makes this bunny not happy.
My life is truely bornign. Last night I made leg warmers out of yarn my mom brought back from my home town for me... A huge box. so now I'll have pairs in every color of the rainbown. The only problem is is that I can't wear them to work...no leggings no spandex. oh well... just have to become a club kid. :) just kidding... I'm too old for that.

oh joy.. now I get to find out how crappy I did on my job assesment.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 13:04:25 GMT

If the lady sitting next to me takes one more of my cheesey tater tots I'm giong to strangle her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she reaches as she's asking! oh my lord I'm gonna have a break down.

She was just laying there..... in the rain

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 12:42:44 GMT

The poor woman. Right next to the car. in the rain... no one to hold an umbrella over her body as she lay there while the driver of the car asked if she was alright. It's cold and windy out today. It's so hard to see when it's like this in town...... it's almost like there is fog in between the rain drops.
I was on the bus and we came upon a woman lying in the turning lane next to a car that didn't have his hazards on. My bus driver stopped and got out of the car. At first I had no idea what was going on.... I thought the person in the car had a flat..... but then I realized it wasn't a tire behind the two people crouched by the car.... it was a person. She ahd been hit while crossing the street... some dumb f*ck trying to get to work didn't see her and hit her while they were turning...... At least they had the decencey to stop and make sure she was alright. The ambulance came while me and the empty bus sat and watched, then we drove away. I felt like I should call someone, but there was already every one who needed to be there......... aw man.. it was bad. There was no blood and I thought I saw the person move but I'm not sure.... I hope she did move...... By the time we drove away one of the emt's had an umbrella over her... but who knows how long it was that she was lying there with nothing to protect her.
man. what a mornig. I've only been awake for 2 hours!

You will neevr believe how high school my weekend was.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:03:00 GMT

Went to a concert on frieday night. He was there with her. I didn't care....didn't go for him... went for my nieghbor. He caught one glimps of me and took off with her asking why why why........ words were exchanged between me and him over text messatge(worst way to fight by the way) I told him if he wanted to leave I would so he could some and see the band....he said he was going to then backed out the second I was going toleave....so I stayed, had a little too much to drink and ended up crying outside the bar in the arms of a woman I had no clue who she was.
He told me he would answer the next morning, that he was too drunk to deal with it that night........ so I sat up all night.... waiting for 10 in the morning. Waiting. 9 45 rolls around and I got a text from him.... He said he was so sorry for the things he said and that he hated himself. and now I'm finding myself understanding that he's under a lot of stress and wanting to fix his problems...
oh yeah..... the girl went over to his house the next morning and took his phone and read all the texts we had sent to each other while they were hanging out together......it all could have been avoided if he would have just let me talk to her. He knew what needed to be done and he just didn't do it.......nothing too horrible.. no skin off my nose. He just holds my heart that's it.... I dont' know why I let myself fall for people who need to be fixed.

It's like i feel like just being in someones life I should make everythign better.....not through my talking to them, not through my helping them find help.... I just feel like me jsut BEING there in someones life should make all their problems.... I should eb able to make someone happy by just saying I love you. Or just by holding them I should make their hurt go away. If I can't........like with him and now..... I feel totally worthless. I feel like I'm not even worth the air I breath.

So now what do I do? I wait for him to dcide if he can deal with me and wonder why my 'perfect world powers' dont' work. Why can't I fix him? Why do I want to fix him? I am so desperate to make him happy I'll put up with anythign I think.... I should be a superhero.

but I"m not.

this kinda scares me

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 14:49:28 GMT

Your inner child is full of wonder and very sweet.

You fear those closest to you finding out who you really are. You dread people discovering your secrets.

I got this from a quiz I just took online. For some reason I think it fits me to a point.......why am I scared of serets? Why do I have so many? Why do I allow myself to do things that makes secrets......

Lady from India

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 14:41:39 GMT

There is a trainer frmo India here. She's cute. It's strange to have her floating around the training room.

I have no idea what I will end up doing with the guy in my life. He told me he needed some time to think I don't know what for.........he is letting this get in between us and that scares me, even after I told him not to let it bother him.......... i don't know. He texted me last night and said 'feel bad. So confused. wish you were thre playin' pool with me tonight' so I have no idea what to do. Anyone else want to deal with this? I sure as heck don't.

Oh and I'm slowly starting to hate each and every person in my trainging class. I nearly through a computer at a couple of them yesterday. I don't like hearing people say things like <"I'm not here to impress anyone I'm just here to make a paycheck." or "I dont' care if people hate me, I jsut want the money." When you are dealing with other peolpes lives you better damn sure care about the job you're doing.... You'll never go anywhere if you just do your job here... They need to know that you are willing to help out and do things for the company that a normal employee wouldn't.......and they won't and it pisses me off. Now I'm stuck with a tight ass group of people trying my hardest to stand out as someone who is not like them. It's hard, but I guess I only have 4 weeks until I'm in my cube and cut off from these people. It'll be easy when I dont' have to stare at the back of their selfish heads.

I love being possitive. I'm very nervous he is gonig to walk.. I want to be with him and I want to just know he's there and I hate the other woman but I can't do anything if he needs to think....??????? I hate my life sometimes. I get myself into the oddest pickles.........

this sucks

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 19:24:24 GMT

(written last night at 12 30)
10/10/07
So it turns out that no one I thought cared about me wanted to be the barer of bad news. NO one wanted to tell me that the guy who is suppsoed to 'love' me was kissing all over another woman twice my age(about) at a concert. A concert where multiple people know both me and him............
So I drank whiskey(thank you my loving landlord) put on my butt kicking clothes and proceeded to start walking to his house. I called him on the way....fully intending to wait to tell him what i was feeling until I was face to face buut I couldn't. I told him how I felt and told him and told him.
Funny thing is....I called him my not boyfriend for a reason-because that is what he was.... NOT my boyfriend. So I can't tell him not to show some love to others. I can't tell him to wait for me.
I just wish he would have told me, is all. Whatever, call my nieve but I gues I can over look it. I can say ,"Hey, now you know and you can move on." If he decides to tag along GREAT! I really like him, he'll just have to work at it a little longer.
Life is fine. I don't hate him, just wish he would have thought it through.

TODAY - so that is what it is. That is where I sit. he thinks that things will be different between us and I tell him only if he lets them. if he let's this get in the way of getting to know me becasue he beats himself up over a couple of tears that fall from my eyes....then things will be hard. But I want him in my life....i've started to really like him...enough to say I may love him.......... but I don't know... I got three hours of sleep and I'm toast......work time I guess.......

see ya.....

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 19:53:35 GMT

So now on break......

ordered chinese...not boyfriend delivered it here to work. He's so cute, standing there with a crooked smile on his face. It's strange though because one day he'll never want to leave my side and another day I'll have to kick and scream and beat down his bamboo beaded doorway to get him to even text me back.....I'm confused and anal about not jumping into things.. even though a part of me says do it and just get it over with.

anyone else getting sick of hearing me rant about him? I am.......

I miss my friends I had back in the day.... One by one drop away or move away and I look around and realize the army of cooshy friends is now just a few here and there. Oh well I guess that's what you get for living life and actually growing up. I know someone who hangs on to yesterday like nothing you've ever seen. He hung onto me long after he was married and following me around at night.......ANYWAY!

just a hint of my life for you :)

back to WORK

CUBE WORLD HO!

and now I have put myself out there.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 14:21:00 GMT

I dno't have a lot of time during the day to search for people to talk to....so I joined a random community and begged people to seek me out. Makes me feel desperate and pathetic but I guess that's the way I have to feel if I'm giogn to get anyone to notice me... Stand up and scream that is whaat I say.....or look like a total reject, either way I'm okay with that.

So confusion in my love life.. not knowing whether or not to go ahead or to let my ex who happens to still be my really good freind but is not talking to me at the moment have the time he needs to fix himself, talk to him an see if it's alright to date someone else.????????
work time ...................crap

rain

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 19:42:37 GMT

If the sun doesn't come out in the next three minutes I will wither away to nothing.
makes me wonder why I moved to a port city.

oh break over.. time to go back to work. sigh

I will go crazy by the end of this training

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 14:46:55 GMT

So the sun hasn't been shining for almost a week now andI've been stuck in a room with the shades drawn and the lights off.. I will be here for another 6 weeks I do believe....maybe I'm not calculating right, but I feel; like it will never happen.But at least we are in the actual job now and not into the paper legal stuff.

So my not boyfriend wants to get married. He just mentioned it out of the blue and it blew my mind because we aren't even dating, we are just friends. I don't like it. It worries me. he's been married before.....it lasted 9 months..... I'm not saying he's a bad guy, because he's not. He was young when he married and stupid, and his wife had post pardom depresion or whatever....she was not stable...made the marraige crumble from what I can understand. it's tough man, I'm telling you. to look into his eyes and know that all he wants is a normal life....not one where he has to chase around some woman who has custody of his son......the son I've never met, whom I'd love to meet and hang out with. He's struggling to get his life back together and I sit and watch all of this and feel bad tht I don't feel the same way he does about this getting married thing.
Normaly I'm the type of person who thinks, "hey I love him, who cares if we've only known each other for 2 months, I'll marry him and jsut work through it, I'm tough, I can handle it!" but for some reason I am really causious about even getting into a relationship with him. I love him as a person I do....and I've known him for more then 2 months. he's been in and out of my life for the last year and a half.....but there is the fact that I jsut not that long ago ended a relastionship that I didn't think was going anywhere to finding out that he was going to ask for my hand.....yeah....I know. He told me through out the entire time that he couldn't marry me because he didn't want to be married and then I break up with him because it jsut didn't seem right anymore and then he tells me......then he tells me "a little late for that" but I guess it is because I dont' feel the same way for him and I know that he needs time....
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! alright.. so now that I unloaded all of this onto you all one person I will just go on thinking that at any
moment I will have a ring presented to me and I will have to say no because I can't go from being someones friend to being their fiance'. Although I would love not to live by myself anymore.......

I just need to take some time to breath. and with this new job that's not happening.

oh yeah and I bought a vacuum yesterday. My floors are clean.

The stories you heaar when you'er stuck next to the same person every day.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 12:51:55 GMT

I love listening to other peoples stories. They make me realize my life is not that bad. Yeah boring and soccer mom ish but nothing like some others. I have an apartment and a dog and a not-boyfriend as I like to call them. I guess I'm pretty happy with the way my life has turned out so far. Granted there are a lot of things I would have dopne differently but I guess the out come is worth it.

These nails need to go... they make typing really hard, but they are so pretty and I grew them myself. Oh well, if this is what I'll be doing for a career I think I should make the sacrafice.

We're all bringing food today for training and I thnk we'll actually get into the work we'll be doing instead of legal information... The reason for the why's and what's. It'll be so cool to just get out and do it for myself. i guess I'm not looking forward to doing the job on my own, more along the lines of being comfortable doing the job on my own. :)

Coffee has become my friend. If I dont' set the coffee machine before I go to bed then I don't make it in the morning and the wait for the bus gets real old real fast. but if i have it then I'm happy cuz I have something to do while I'm waiting for the transfer.

I wish I had better topics to talk about, but I guess I'm jsut starting so I'll figure it out as I go. Have fun all and enjoy nice days when you can have them